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Adult Sexual Version Of Around The World In 80 Days
Adult Sexual Version Of Around The World In 80 Days
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Count Palmiro Vicarion's Book of Bawdy Ballads $1.00

Author: Count Palmiro Vicarion (Christopher Logue)

About: Elated, no longer a child, dawn found me a literary man; I vowed Puffer would not have died in vain.

My parents were surprised at my docility when, after the funeral, they proposed I begin schooling in England. They little knew my plan of scholarship: Puffer had compiled but three volumes; I was persuaded greater wealth would be the reward of a more diligent scholar.

And how right I was. Hadn't he overlooked:

'Don't look at me that way, barman I ain't gonna shit on the floor'?

He had indeed, and many others. He was not a man to track down those who “know them all by heart” or even those who have “bits of songs”. No, he was a dilettante, I came to see that. But even with greatest effort the scholar is always encountering the person who knows but two lines (often glorious) and just a snatch of the melody. He will usually direct you to someone else who knows perhaps the same two lines or just one more... Ah, it is not easy. And while great songs exist which I have not compiled here, it is simply that I have been unable to track down the complete version of, to take an example. 'The Ballad of Piss-Pot-Pete'. And then there was that girl from Miss Brice's School all golden she was and with a voice like a morning lark's but for the life of me I can remember no more of her song than its lilting refrain:

'Oh how did Edith ever

Get so shitty round the titty?'

You either write them down then and there or they are gone. It is quite like the limerick except that you may be left with no more than a bit of a tune.

Luckily, I was found physically fit for my country's wars (and it was with some apprehension I limped into enlistment headquarters, looking askance to conceal my missing eye) for without those enriching experiences my collection would be paltry indeed. Oh, it is in war the bawdy ballad thrives: up to the waist in urine or blood or even rain, men begin to sing, and richly. I must say I have never well understood why it is those who order and control such fine wars are so prudish about the cultural harvest that are reaped from a really sopping trench or freezing billet. But no matter. I have prudently, I believe, never allowed such reflections to distract me from my scholarly dedication. I felt I owed that to Puffer.

Thanks to a courageous and cultivated publisher, the same who saw the Limerick for the treasure it is, I can here present the cream of my years of research. I have included some music and have simply named familiar tunes appropriate to other ballads. For the rest, many tunes exist, but the common 4/4 ballad rhythm will usually do. And besides, I have come to feel that the dirty song tune is almost instinctive. Even the song itself: rarely is a ballad sung the same way twice, nor, I strongly feel, should it be. If a person has something to add, let him. And if someone tells you your version of 'Don't Piss on the Fire Grandma, Father is Warming his Ball's' is incorrect, be sure it is the same pedant who will suggest your joke would be funnier if it ended another way. Kick him, I say.

Vicarion. 1956. Alma Atta.

Excerpt:

'Twas on the good ship Venus,

By Christ you should have seen us;

The figure-head was a whore in bed,

And the mast was a rampant penis.

 

The Captain of this lugger

He was a filthy bugger,

Declared unfit to shovel shit

From one ship to another.

 

The cabin-boy called Dripper,

Was a foul-mouthed little nipper,

Who stuffed his arse with broken glass

To circumcise the Skipper.

 

The first mate's name was Morgan,

A veritable Gorgon;

Each night at eight, he'd play till late

Upon his extra-sexual organ.

 

The boatswain was named Andy—

A Portsmouth man and randy—

His whopping cock broke chunks of rock,

To cool the Skipper's brandy.

 

His wife was baptised Charlotte

Who was born and bred a harlot.

At night her cunt was lily-white,

In the morning it was scarlet.

 

The Captain's daughter Mabel

Though young was fresh and able

To suck and shake and fornicate

Upon the chart-room table.

 

His other little daughter

Got shoved into the water,

Her plaintive squeals announced that eels

Had found her sexual quarter.

 

The ship's dog was called Rover,

We turned the poor thing over,

And ground and ground that faithful hound,

From Teneriffe to Dover.

 

Though skilful navigation

We reached our China station.

We sunk a junk on a sea of spunk

Through mutual masturbation.

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